life from thought to thought

Life so far…

I have lived in ignorance for far too long. I have argued over silly things, just to get the final word. I have wrestled in the darkness of ignorance to live in denial and hypocrisy. I have denied myself the light of knowledge. I guess it happens with almost most of us. I am a part of that ‘most’. With age we do get perspective. But our ego is too big to accept faults and come out of denial that we have been living. Seeking higher knowledge helps but that doesn’t mean the end of all the troubles. It is not like one day you get up and realize that you are ‘It’. You do realize that Shakespeare was telling you the highest truth when he said “this world is a play”. Yes, indeed this world is nothing but a play and we are here to fulfill our parts to our best potential. What is real is the consciousness. It is believable but hard to live. So I know the truth but don’t know how to get over my petty existence. I still wrestle in the darkness of my desires, greed, anger and ego. I crave and suffer. I attach to certain things and people and suffer. I bow down to my ego and suffer. I let my anger take over my senses and I suffer. I let this ‘I’ get its way…way too often. And all that I end up with is suffering. I know, yet I suffer. And I suffer because I know. Would it have been easier had I not known? If ignorance is bliss…has knowing brought suffering? There is no easy answer to these ramblings in my head. But I persist with my search. I can see a glimmer of that bliss sometimes…only to fade away, too soon. If it’s real, it’s the only truth worth seeking. If it’s not there, than what good is the world?!

Fickle eyes

The eyes that saw beauty, now sneer in contempt

In a blink those that adored, find it difficult even to pretend

It was hard enough to separate lust from love in this game

Now the challenge has doubled with a dash of irrational to tame

The skin and the shape that made you swell with happiness

Can now repulse in ways no one could fathom

You thought you knew, but that’s a mistake made by quite a few

Knowing was never your strength,

Understanding ignorance can take you to lengths

You saw through me, I saw through you

What we saw was never hidden from our view

This body-mind complex is a changeling

The challenge is to see the real which is unwavering

A Non-player’s game

We experience life as it happens. But we forget to ask questions. These questions are for us to answer. Sometimes I wonder, by asking so many questions, am I underplaying life? Do I do injustice to myself by thinking too much and living a little less? Are we not supposed to wonder why, how and marvel at the irrationality of it all. I mostly understand people I come across or read about and I understand relations but I still feel disappointed and I still make the mistake of expecting. I am not saying that expectations always meet with disappointments. I am just pointing out at the futility of it all. Why do we make ourselves vulnerable? Is it our destiny as humans to be vulnerable? Bracing ourselves for heartbreaks and disappointments…using words as weapons to harm each other. At the surface of it, I guess it’s beyond our control to act rationally. So why bother, throw caution in the air! Let’s be the end of each other. I will bring you pain and someone will be the carrier of my death. We are here to nurture, protect and destroy each other. So we will do what we are designed to do and move away/on. Oh, don’t be morose! I am not saying all this as something bad, something that is not desirable. On the contrary, this feeling of hurt can do wonders to our personality. It can change us for the better. It gives us such insight and depth in relations that nothing remains incomprehensible after that. Eventually you come to a stage when you can foresee what a potential relationship holds for you. The same cycle of love, attachment, heartache, disappointment and then moving away! Once you have seen it all, why on earth would you go for it again, and again? The only sensible thing to do is to watch the movie, since the tickets have already been bought. So go through the movie, soar unattached in the vastness of its imagination and come out of it as taintless as possible.

Singularity

There has to be a plan

Something must explain the lay of the land

The question of One and plenty has plagued our minds

Search for Singularity has intrigued the science and spiritual giants

What others have seen does not satisfy my quest

I’ll have to see it myself if I want to quench the thirst

I want to believe in the One, but the problem of plenty remain

All I see is faces and misery, but oddly in one frame.

Waves in the sea or bees in the hive

Sunlight pervading the earth or darkness engulfing the space

The plenty submerges…and what remains is the One.

Isn’t it funny how we take pride in the faces and forms?!

Separate identity is just an illusion, being One is the only norm.

The Game

It’s not my aim to belittle any emotion

I too have felt the entire range with naïve perception.

Nothing felt simple even when I was a child

What I wanted & what others felt I needed,

created a schism so wide.

This schism has defined most of the stories I lived

Love, desire, disappointments…all I have grieved.

I have played this game back and forth

Same stupid emotions always land in my court.

Now I crave to be a bystander in this battle

Neither seeking anything, nor having the need to shun the undesirable.

Even words sound unnecessary when all is done and dusted

This myth called Life will soon be busted.

Love: The word and its dilemmas

From the time I started understanding relationships…I was forced to think of a name for each one of them. Adore, like, love?? I kept circling around the word love but never really used it till the time I was sure that I am going to marry this guy and I was to love him forever. I was confident of the usage for once in life. After holy matrimony I faced the problem of naming my affections towards people I met. The attraction was not sexual, but it was bonding on an emotional level. Yes, I liked them, adored them, and loved them. But I was too conscious of the term ‘Love’. It felt blasphemous to use it for anybody else apart from the man I married and later the kids I produced. As the number of grey hair increased on my head, I realized there is no need to be so choosy about the people for whom we use the term ‘love’. Love is a feeling we have in certain moments towards certain people…for some it lasts longer and for some it fizzles out sooner than we expect. But the duration aside, love is love. It’s a fleeting feeling like all other feelings. We choose some people to live our lives with…some just meet us at crossroads and carry on their paths. Love, however, is felt and lived. The moment passes and with it the feeling also becomes dormant till we come across a moment when it rears its head again. So enjoy while you can… don’t make it bigger or smaller in your head than what it really is. That’ll be a step further, towards understanding ourselves.

The Orange hue

When the sun is not set and the moon is out

It’s a different hue that is spelt out.

The blue sky displays an orange shade

as I stand on my terrace immersed in a similar glaze.

The fiery Sun has calmed a bit as dusk approached,

It made me realize, my being has entered a similar zone.

The blaze of youth have quieted over the years,

The passions that drove the younger me look trivial as twilight appears

The sights that allured me are not worth a second glance.

The sounds of ecstasy are now found in a higher trance.

The orange hue of the sky is looking down upon me,

Just as I look up to understand what it means to me.

I see we have become companions in this eternal story,

The orange hue of my life is waiting for the moon to shine in its full glory.

Society

A lot remains unsaid, it’s the society.
A lot is felt, but unexpressed, in a society.
Trying to define love, it ridiculed the pangs felt by Meera, now dances in joy at her divinity, is the same society.

Love has permanence, but where does the permanence lie? Does love change or just the object of its affection show a wide range? These are the questions, framed and refrained in every society.
Where love solidifies, it becomes less of love more a chore for society.
Love is in us, it finds expression outside…in whom, is ordained by the society.
This society, residing in the mind, resisted by the heart…has found a prisoner willing to play the part.

Some have broken the bonds and attained liberation, but I am still here, respecting the confines formed by this society.

Crossroads

Not knowing and Knowing of the soul,
there is a long road between the two poles.
We walk the path having no knowledge of the destination. But to walk is in our nature, in an attempt to understand the future.
Not knowing is like a pig in the mud, wallowing in dirt and enjoying the slush.

The journey starts with an increased awareness of the dirt and all things gory. Till then, it was just a mere story.

As the days progress, I weep as doubts creep in…raising the banner of revolt questioning the need of Knowing.

The state of ignorance has me in a daze…letting the pig play in the mud puts it in a hypnotic maze.

But the pig has been told that he can still play in the mud, getting dirty is an option he can surely escape.

Let the mud encompass you… The Knowing will keep your core pure as dew.

The Forest

Have you ever stood in front of a deep dense forest and tried to see in the depths of it? Or ever wondered what lies inside? Is there anything that eludes our eyes? Have you been over-powered by the desire to find out that remains hidden from our view? Is there anything in the stillness that might be new?

The depths of our being is looking out and searching for what agrees to look back and say I am here, somewhere, keep trying as the search is your only rescue.
I stand often in front of the infinite layers of the same deep forest, with a feeling so strong, that the depths are looking back at me without any effort.
Such simple yet wondrous sites receive me every time I look there…the forest is buzzing with such unabashed bare.
I also encounter some views that refuse to be captured in pretentious hues.
At first glance, the eyes see only dark, but adjust your vision, the path gets lighter and brighter as you embark.
The feeling of being alone gives way to a calming solitude, the need to be in the crowd dissolves in its fortitude.

I am surrounded by nature, in the lap of my creator. The union is ecstatic and swift, it’s easy to forget you even exist.

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