The Journey towards North

I don’t like to look back. But sometimes I do. Mostly, when forced by the unwillingness to let go of certain events and people. It’s never pleasant as it always mockingly points at my weakness to still hold on to what has already passed. Yes, the life lived. No, there is nothing wrong in revisiting old times, but there is an inherent sadness in the visits to the past. So I avoid these travels as I am aware of the baggage they’ll bring back for me. But today, I thought of sitting back and jog my memory down the lane. It’s a southward journey. Born to protective parents, I learnt my life lessons fast. I learnt the art of manipulating life by being honest to the unsuspecting people around me. I knew outward honesty is appealing to one and all. After all, we are good, God fearing people who laid great stress on high moral values. I held on to those high moral values dearly putting them even above people around me and people in general. What great disservice I was doing to my own being! I and my morals placed on a pedestal were judging every human, every minute. I was stifling and suffocating my own self by placing those ideas/ideals which knew no reason or logic, on others. Many times I failed myself and the standards I held onto. Guilt ridden, I stuttered through the journey somehow. I know precisely when the day came…the day that I was waiting all along, but I don’t know why it came when it came. Maybe it was my time. Maybe someone was guiding me to this day from the day I was born. Yes, as I look back, this does seem true. I was guided and put on the track I was supposed to take. And with it, something inside settled, calmed and became freer. I am aware of my failings. I see myself shamed in hypocrisy. I see myself judging. I hear myself when I raise my voice. I feel the heat rising when my temper shoots up. The battle that was on with the outside world is now being waged inside. The sword is drawn against the ‘I’ that fails me all the time. It seems I am in my finishing school and this education will go on till some unforeseeable future. The journey towards North has just started. I have finally started.